[Esper] Takuto Zukuchishi

FULL NAME: Takuto Zukuchishi
OTHER ALIAS: Taku, Steelfist
CURRENT AGE: 14
GENDER: Male
OCCUPATION: Member of Judgement
SCHOOL: Sakugawa Middle School
FACTION: Judgement



APPEARANCE: He has orange hair and black eyes and wears a open hoody jacket and a pair of black jeans with a belt with a x shaped buckle. And he has a pair of white tennis shoes.

HEIGHT: ‘ 5’7
WEIGHT: 130lbs.
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: N/A



PERSONALITY:
Kind
Takuto is the kindest person you could meet. Loyal to his friends and family he will do anything to keep them safe.
Honourable
Takuto has a code of Honor that his granfather taught him. He will never turn his back on his friends, and never attack an opponent while they're down.
A fighter
Takuto loves to fight. He sees it as a way to better his skills. One day he wants to fight against and prove himself to Misaka Mikoto.
Protector of the innocent
If Takuto sees someone in danger, he will not hesitate to help them. His mother always taught him to help when he could.


LIKES:
His little sister
Training
Fighting against Strong opponents
DISLIKES:
Those that look down on others
Evil
Those that pick on his friends
STRENGTHS:
Fighting
He is skilled in quite a few fighting styles
Metallic Hardening
Thanks to his powers he can harden his body to metal like properties that can repel most weapons
WEAKNESSES:
Anger
He sometimes gets and angry and can rush in without thinking.



HISTORY:

My story began before I even Lived in Academy City. I was five at the time and my little sister Alicia was only three, yet she could already talk. We were spending time with our Grandpa when the call came. Our parents had died in a car crash. They had been on their way to come get us when it happened. At the Funeral I didn’t cry… My father always taught me to be strong. I knew I had to be strong… For Alicia…. After that, we moved to Academy City and I began training with Grandpa in many different Martial Arts.

I grew stronger and stronger every day. It’s been Nine years since then. I continued training in my martial arts and even discovered how to control My Esper Power. I could harden my skin into Metal for Defense and Offense. While my now Twelve year old little sister Found out she was a level 0. She followed in our Mother's footsteps and took up boxing. She was amazing. She could knock out an opponent twice her size without breaking a sweat. Then everything changed…. It was a robbery in progress by a single esper. Level 4 no less. He had the power to control metal. When I approached him he used his power to attack me with various objects. Due to my Ability most of the objects bounced off me. I defended myself against his onslaught until she showed up. The girl that people called Railgun appeared before me. Apparently she was in the area when she saw me trying to stop him. She stepped in and the fight was over in a second with a simple electric blast. After Judgement showed up she left alongside one of their members, a Level 4 teleporter. But I still remember her words. "You’re pretty brave. But you should get stronger so I won’t have to step in next time." Since then I've looked up to her. And I trained in my Abilities so That one day I could return the favor. One day.... I will become a Level Five just like her....

RANK: N/A
LEVEL:
(ABILITY NAME): Skin Hardening
Takuto has the ability to re-arrange the configuration of carbon atoms of his body, allowing him to convert his skin into Steel. He usually uses this ability to partially strengthen the density of selected parts of his body during battle, but can extend the effect to its entirety. As Takuto has control over the configuration of his body's carbon atoms, the substances that he can convert his skin into can vary based on his intentions. He can choose to convert his skin into Steel, or make his skin as sharp as possible. He prefers to use his power to form claws covering up to his shoulders. Thanks to his power he is also granted Temporary super Strength.
OTHER ABILITIES: Any other talents or non supernatural abilities or equipment used by your character.
Speed
Because of his training in the Martial Arts He is quite fast. This combined with his Skin Hardening makes for a deadly combination.


CHARACTER THEME: Never Give up Never give in
Steel Courage



PLAYER'S NAME: Takuto Zukuchishi
CHATANGO NAME: Yamiju
RATING: M
FACE CLAIM: N/A
OTHER CHARACTERS: N/A
MISC. INFORMATION: N/A

Takuto and his little sister were walking home when something happened at the Local bank. "What's going on?" One Bystander asked. "Looks like a Hit and run by an Esper." Another answered. "Judgement's already on the way." Someone with a phone said. "They won't get here fast enough..." He said as he walked forward. Some of them tried to stop him, but to no avail. The man laughed as he loaded money into his car. "Ha! I scored big this time." He yelled. He was about to take off when he saw Takuto. "Well Well... Looks like some one decided to be a Hero." The man said as he began use his power to lift a few Metal Objects off the ground. "What Level are you runt?" The man said with confidence.

"Level 2..." Takuto stated simply. The man began laughing and threw The Objects at Takuto. However his laughing stopped when The Objects simply bounced off of Takuto, who had crossed his arms with a resounding clang. "What the?!" The man said as Takuto began walking towards the man. The Level 4 Esper noticed that Takuto's arms were a Shining gray. Almost Metallic.

"Better finish this up quickly." He said as he ran towards the man. Takuto crossed his arms again as The man began pelting him with a Barrage of Metal Objects. And Before the Man knew it... Takuto's Fist was buried in his gut. The Man slouched forward. "No way... You're just a Level 2..." The Man said before going unconscious. The crowd cheered at what Takuto did while Alicia suddenly smiled. It was at that moment Kuroko from Judgement arrived. She looked at Takuto and recognized him. "Hmph... Haven't seen you since You Got beat by Onee-sama." She said. Takuto simply stared at her. "So I take it you took it upon yourself to detain the criminal?" Kuroko asked. Takuto nodded. Kuroko sighed. "I'm gonna have to place you under arrest too then." Takuto sighed but nodded.

Hi.

I'm afraid there's a few things about your character that don't really mesh with the setting, specifically the fact that he's a dragon. Dragons, like vampires, have been referenced (http://toarumajutsunoindex.wikia.com/wiki/Dragon) but we don't really know what they are or what they're capable of if they even exist. Until we have more information on them I think it best that everyone stick to human characters for now.

Secondly his abilities will need some redesigning for the same reason. The type of magic your character uses doesn't really fit in with the setting unfortunately. Dragon themed magic is possible however. There are already examples in canon, after all.

Ok. I changed my Profile and he's an Esper now. Hopefully this one is better cause it took me awhile to work on this one.

Since Guy is busy I'll try to address some things that I've noticed in an efficient manner.

1. DAWN is a underground organization.
They operate as a contract based agents that can act either as bodyguards for VIPs, Assassination Squad, Transportation of Goods (Could be good and bad transportation but I would say most of them would fall under illegal goods?), etc.

Now that I have that covered it seems abit odd that a aspiring super hero type of character would want to chase up a awe inspiring career in the dark side of Academy City as a potential bad guy if push comes to shove. Why not join the official law enforcement network like Judgment or Anti-Skill? If his dying mother's wish was for him to become someone who protects the weak, shouldn't that be his natural choice than falling off the path and joining a (potential) criminal organization?

2. His mother made a straw hat for him upon his death bed.
Well I mean.... it seems like a strange thing to do. Of all things a straw hat...? Was there a reason why it was a straw hat? Seems abit too random to mix in with a tragedy genre your forcing into the plot here. I know this sounds harsh but there really is no reason to add that in if it's just for the sake of paying tribute to the character you're trying to import from One Piece. I'm sure most of us know whose face you're claiming so it seems like a real random act of death, at least while trying to fit it into context anyway. I don't really know how ill she must have been but I guess she wasn't very ill if she had that much patience and strength to make one. You can ignore this if you want but personally I felt it was just a very very odd thing to put in there in his history.

3. His strong sense of Justice?
It might be worth thinking about where he gets it from and flesh out you character more. Right now other than his mother's senseless brainwashing from his early childhood there hasn't been any mention of where and when he must have picked up his resolve to fight for the innocent. There's also no mention about what kind of person his father was. You might be able to take this chance to flesh out what his father did for a living, maybe you can say he died in service as a law enforcement, Anti-Skill. Or maybe he had a abusive childhood where his father was a drunkard who chat up women and drank alcohol 24/7 and you were the object of hatred from both your abusive father and your mother who regretted giving birth to you who is a walking reminder of the man she hates the most. There's lots of ways you can expand on that and ultimately find a resolve that best matches with your character's. Bruce Wayne lost his parents at a young age and became Batman, comparatively it'd be so strange if Bruce Wayne was told to become Batman by his mom and hence he became a crime fighting ninja turned man in a bat suit. I think you get the idea.

4. His abilities.
Body manipulation and weakness to water sounds like a straight rip from eating a Gomu Gomu Fruit. While it's awesome to use a character imported from another series, in this universe you'll have to try and tone down that awesomeness to balance it to fit into the new environment.

Saying so I'll move onto the key problem areas with your current ESP ability.

It feels like you are making a Dual-Skill, which is a taboo since Espers are only able to have one power only. You can read more about Dual-Skill here.

http://toarumajutsunoindex.wikia.com/wiki/Dual_Skill

Basically all Espers with a (very) few exceptions are able to possess one ability. Usually you might see them using that one ability to create seemingly different ability but essentially it's using the same principle/mechanics of their one ability and apply it in a different way.

Example of this is Misaka Mikoto using her Electromastery to create a Railgun or using it to gather metallic sand and turn it into a whip like blade. Seemingly different on first glance but essentially it doesn't change the fact that it's one ability, Electricity Manipulation.

Now then the problem with your current ability. I can't seem to make the connection of how his ability to make his body elastic/stretchy and the ability he uses to harden his skin as a result of different application of the core ability. The way I see it, it's two core abilities which are

 a) Elastic Body Parts
     An ability to turn his bones and muscles to turn elastic, allowing him to stretch his body parts.

 b) Shield Reinforce
     An ability to re-arrange the configuration of carbon atoms of his body, allowing him to convert his skin into hardend surface.

 c) Super human Muscle Strength
     An ability that allows him to simultaneously gain greater physical strength and speed.

Only thing connecting them is that it's to do with his body but the process and trigger for either to happen are not identical at all. Thus I justify that even if we count C as a passive skill gained from intense training, what you have here is a Dual-Skill. My recommendation is to pick one or the other in this case rather than trying to stick closely to One Piece canon because this is a To Aru universe and the world works a little differently than it does in the pirate world.

5. Prediction
Is bad on many levels and it's one of the prime reasons why we (and probably every other boards with exception to Naruto RP boards) hate anything remotely similar to Sharingan I know your moves so I will dodge it posts.

I think I pretty much covered everything I've set out to cover. I hope it doesn't discourage you since my aim is to try and work with you to flesh out your character to fit into the new environment. Oh and welcome to the forums.

OK, I can't see anything wrong with this profile. The only thing I'd say is to limit his skin hardening to something equivalent to iron or even steel hardness for the sake of balance. Then he should be right on target for a powerful Level 2.

Ok. I edited. He can make it as Hard as Steel instead now.

Reopening this evaluation due to the heavy changes since the last time this profile was approved. Keep in mind the standards we have currently will be drastically different than before.

On that, welcome back, and let's get started. I'll be handling the character aspect of this evaluation and hand the evaluation over when the times comes to evaluate the ability itself.

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Starting off with a little nitpick, but I suggest avoiding any embedding of images beyond the initial requested picture. It clutters the profile quite a bit and can be difficult to load on certain devices. For the sake of actually giving a proper idea of Takuto's individual appearance, I also recommend elaborating on it rather than state a list of colour or clothing characteristics as it'll be heavily useful down the line in order to describe things by more than their first-glance appearance and tends to give more individuality.

Next few pointers are actually big problems: The personality and history sections are underdeveloped and do not meet our standards. I'll review them nonetheless to give you an idea of what you should rewrite it as, but as it stands this profile veers more on the line of “in writing” than “close to complete”.

Firstly is the personality: to be frank, he has none. As it stands, this is only a checklist of good guy traits (honourable, kind, loyal) that doesn't tell me anything about Takuto's worth as an individual person and unfortunately we're kind of asking that rather asking if he's an okay dude or a not so okay dude. Furthermore, even then his personality is drastically underwritten considering that: three simply-written sentences per personality trait for only four personality traits isn't enough to tell anyone anything about your character, I therefore invite you to refer to some of our other currently approved profiles and inspire yourself to have an idea of what we're looking for in personality traits.

Likewise, the strengths/weaknesses and likes/dislikes are very visibly glossed over and unbalanced. For a couple examples: a little sister doesn't qualify as a “like” because it's a sibling bond and pertains more to a relationship than anything else, and “evil” is too vague of a word to put as a “dislike”, what exactly does he dislike that qualifies as evil or not is lost because there's no middle ground on what he finds acceptable or not, just not “evil” and in this day of heavy grey zones I reckon it's not enough to go.

Then, we have too many strengths vs. too little weaknesses and we ask that unless reasons apply, there should be a 1:1 ratio for the most part in order to keep fairness in the RP. “Anger” is also not a weakness (especially for someone who trains in the martial arts and should be reasonably taught to control it) but a personality trait that got lost on the train to the personality section. I therefore see that Takuto has no valid weaknesses, and that's a considerable problem.

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Now the history, which is again too short for our requested minimum. Please take another look at the template and fill it accordingly (you may, again, look at other profiles for examples on how it should be done). We also don't really do first-person RPing around here in order to create a cohesive atmosphere between all writers so I'll have to ask to revert to a traditional writing style.

Nonetheless, the first paragraph is honestly too heavy on a classical sob story. Having a similar one myself, should you really want to pursue the “orphaned child” route then I suggest you add some nuance rather than simply say his parents died but gave him values and therefore it results in him entering Academy City. As it stands, it's a little cheap and not very credible as a character backstory because it feels closer to an afterthought over something that actually impacts him as a person.

For the nitpicking, I actually want to point out that infants learn how to speak a couple months after their first birthday, so by the age of three it's actually very common to actually have a vocabulary and it doesn't make Alicia (which is an odd name for a Japanese girl compared to her Japanese brother named “Takuto”) any particularly special.  

Likewise, adults aren't allowed to reside within Academy City without a proper job to justify it (and we prefer members don't cling onto them since it's supposed to be an independent setting for teenagers), so Takuto and Alicia would have had to attend separately in their respective schools and live together, without any grandparents lingering around except for special opportunities like the Daihaseisai.

Here, I also have to ask... Why martial arts? If he had been taught martial arts from a young age then it'd make sense from the perspective where it was a childhood hobby and/or activity that would later aid him in Judgement training, but in a city where people can throw fire balls around and teleport at will, I don't think you'll find many kids who want to just focus solely on martial arts all of a sudden when they should be more focused on their Esper curriculum.

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Now, I'm putting a line break here because this is actually a huge problem within the entirety of the character: his identity is based around Mikoto. To explain, firstly your history basically NPCs my character into something I don't have awareness of (which, even for a canon, would require permission before doing so in order to avoid problems on a larger forum where owners don't have the time to check out new profiles and therefore shouldn't be expected to suddenly accommodate people who tied themselves to their character without permission) which means it'll constrict me to make-pretend some backstory with a character I've never RP'd with before and makes things stiffer; this would apply to any other owner as well, I'm just coincidentally Mikoto's owner, and it's a problem I'd noted in your posts a couple years back.

And secondly, the fact that he's so focused around the idea of being “like her” is that he's not even his own person anymore, meaning that you put the responsibility of giving Takuto credibility as a character to whomever plays Mikoto, and that's the big difference between him and, say, Kuroko.  

By itself, Kuroko is someone who already had strong ideals and an affirmative personality and only resounded well in her relationship with Mikoto because of their common grounds once they started attending the same school and the reasons she admires Mikoto isn't because she's “strong” but because of the person she is underneath the strength everyone boils her down to, which plays a large part in their friendship since Kuroko is one of the rare individuals who sees and acknowledges those parts of her. On the other hand, Takuto just one-sidedly admires her because she saved him, and that's apparently so much of his character that it's part of his personality traits, meaning that Takuto has no personality or individuality besides his admiration of Mikoto which is a problem, since you'll find that it won't work out on the longer term both in terms of getting carried by the person who plays the target of an admiration, and how inherently restrictive it is to limit a character to another.

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This is all I have to say currently, so I'll wait on you to make the edits after thoroughly reading through the template and what we expect of a quality profile. Since it's been five years, I'll also be asking you to resubmit a test post within the profile at some point, but it's no urgent matter.

Good luck.

Due to the requested edits being made and a lack of response to our warnings regarding the deadline on profile evaluations, or just any signs of activity overall, I therefore declare this character as rejected and will close this evaluation.