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[Magician] Heinrich Steinmann

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[Magician] Heinrich Steinmann Empty [Magician] Heinrich Steinmann

Post  Heinrich Steinmann Sat Nov 10, 2018 5:56 am

(Heinrich Steinmann)


[Magician] Heinrich Steinmann Thorfi10

"Give me the most dangerous job.  Money up front.  Maybe I'll find the one who can put me out of my misery."

Full Name: Heinrich Steinmann
Other Alias: Epitaph; Gentes; Steven Landsknecht
Current Age: 23
Gender: Male
Occupation: Mercenary; Mage; History Teacher
School: None
Faction: Necessarius (until his contract is over)

Appearance: A tall, well built man.  Has blonde hair and green eyes.  Face is handsome.  It is very noticeable that he is a foreigner.  He wears various outfits, however his primary one is a pair of khaki pants with tennis shoes and a white dress shirt.  He also wears an old necklace that used to belong to his grandfather.  The strangest part of his outfit is a ring bearing a strange carving; any pair of gloves he chooses to wear has this finger cut off so that the ring can stay on.  When in combat situations, wears body armor that covers his chest, stomach, and back, as well as boots, gloves, knee and elbow pads, and a ballistic mask.
Height: 6' 2 (1.88m)
Weight: 195lb (88.5kg)
Distinguishing Features: Face has some small scars running along it.  There are larger scars on other areas of his body, but those are covered up.  He has a small rune carved into each palm, the top of each foot, his chest, elbows, back, and knees.

Hates the fact that when fighting, he enjoys hurting others.
Building off of his guilt, when he gets out of particularly bloody combat situations, Heinrich has breakdowns depending on his actions.  These can be extremely debilitating, and he's even contemplated suicide before during one before snapping himself out of it.
Heinrich tries very hard to hide his true identity.  He wears a mask during jobs and when meeting with his clients.  He only uses his code names Epitaph or Gentes during these times; when walking around in public he introduces himself as Steven Landsknecht.  He hides his true personality of self-loathing and anger; when appearing in public as Steven, he acts with his pre-incident personality- cheerful and outgoing while interacting heavily with others.  When he's with those he can consider to be true allies and friends who know his true identity, such as members of Necessarius, he manages to show his old personality and be a good friend.  
Heinrich can be counted on to protect his allies.  Whenever he's built mercenary groups in the past, he always makes sure his troops get out of combat before him.  He'll charge into dangerous situations to rescue allies.  Furthermore, he'll never betray an employer.
Heinrich hates what he's become: a murderer who kills and harms others for money.  He doesn't get out of the business because he doesn't believe he deserves a quiet and peaceful death after what he's done.  However, he hasn't killed himself because he believes its wrong.  To further that, he refuses to let himself die on the battlefield even though that's what he seeks; he would view it as another form of suicide.  Rather, he's looking for someone who can defeat him, no matter what action he takes.
Heinrich remains focused on the job at hand.  He doesn't get distracted very easily.
If Heinrich can get through a situation without resorting to combat, he'll take it.
Heinrich gets along well with his allies.  If they can prove trustworthy, he'll even consider them a true friend and tell them his real identity.  He tries hard to be as friendly as possible with these people, attempting to rekindle his pre-incident personality so that it can become his true one once again.
Heinrich wants to find something he can protect, as he believes this will allow his emotional trauma to heal.

The allies/friends he manages to make
Martial arts
Extremely spicy foods
Hand to Hand Combat
Knife Combat
Well trained
Handling his internal issues
Fighting women
Dealing with unknown abilities

HISTORY:  Heinrich Steinmann grew up in a Israeli family of Austrian and Czech descent.  His family consisted of his parents, a twin sister, and a younger brother.  He excelled in school where he had a love for history and physics.  This was partially inspired by his grandfather's role as a member of the Irgun and his mother's job as a particle physicist working for the government.  He wished to attend a university and become a diplomat working for the national government.  However, things went wrong during his forced military service after high school.

Heinrich enlisted in the army to serve out his time.  He trained well, and soon became one of the most talented recruits.  His marksmanship and hand-to-hand abilities improved rapidly until he could eventually beat the instructors.  He excelled particularly in knife combat that was taught for situations where a soldier may become disarmed.  As Heinrich was so talented, he was taught extra skills that might be necessary for more elite troops such as how to drive various vehicles and ride horses/camels for situations where a motorized vehicle was unavailable.  Despite all his talent, Heinrich disliked this time period; he despised the idea of harming others, and wanted to finish his service soon so he could attend university.  

Heinrich's situation changed when his squad got caught in a border skirmish with a neighboring regional power.  Trapped in a small oasis town on the desert border, he and his friends were surrounded.  He volunteered to punch a way out.  This was where he killed his first man; many more soon followed.  When his squad reached safety, Heinrich was lauded as a hero.  He stayed to get a medal and then promptly walked back to his barracks where he vomited and started to cry thinking about what he had done. He decided to take weekend leave and visit his family; his grandparents were visiting, and he wished to talk with grandfather, a former guerrilla.

When Heinrich arrived at his childhood home, he sensed something was off.  He crept in and was met with a horrible sight.  A trio of robbers had broken in and murdered most of his family.  As he watched, the last survivor, his younger brother, was bludgeoned to death.  This was the moment that broke Heinrich; filled with rage, he crept to the kitchen and grabbed a large knife.  As the robbers spread out to loot, he hid to ambush them one by one.  He slaughtered two, and then rushed for the last one.  Heinrich tackled him and began to torture him, slowly stabbing him and deriving pleasure from the screams.  He finished the bloody deed, then stepped back, realizing with horror what he'd done.  Those screams were bloodcurdling; how could he have enjoyed them so?  Now a broken man, Heinrich called for the police and finished up his military service.  Heinrich wished for death so that the monster he had become would fade away.  Wandering throughout his town after the the funeral, he noticed a small child run out into the street chasing a ball.  Seeing that an oncoming car wasn't slowing, Heinrich dashed forward and tackled the child out of the way, the two of them barely escaping injury.  Having done this, Heinrich felt a thawing of his heart.  Maybe he could find something to protect; maybe doing that would bring the light back.

 All he had left was his inheritance from his family: money and property.  His family had been wealthy due to their careers.  His father, a lawyer, had recently recovered an ancestral castle in Austria granted by the Kaiser as acknowledgement of a great service that had been seized in the 1930s.  Then there were also two small manors in Burgundy and the Netherlands which had managed to be recovered.  Finally, a small castle near Prague which had been sold to the Czech government as a landmark on the condition that the family be the ones who run it and that they would be allowed to keep quarters there.
The home in Israel was kept in case he ever need to go back to the region.  Acknowledging his martial talents, he decided to become a mercenary; after all, like it or not, he was already a brutal killer.  He began to take mercenary jobs around the world.  He always told himself that the next job would be the last job, then he would retire rich and start a family.  But he secretly believed he didn't deserve happiness, so there was always a next "last" job.  Throughout this whole process, he did kind deeds such as giving money to the poor whenever he could get a chance.  Eventually, he ended up in combat against a magician, a situation where he almost was killed- he was rescued by a traveling mage who came upon the remnants of the battle.  Gravely wounded, Heinrich was saved when that person used magic to heal him.  Heinrich, after going through these two strange experiences, saw the power and potential of magic. Demanding to be taught the ways of magic, so that he could grow stronger and be able to protect the thing he was searching for, Heinrich put his mercenary ways on hold so that he could learn magic from his savior.  He focused on the myths of the Slavic god Veles, and used that as the basis of his magic.  He also used this time to attend university as he always wished, where he got a degree as a history teacher, a job he would use to build cover as Steven.  During his training, he promised his teacher that he would begin to reduce his usage of modern weapons.  He has done so, however he will use guns and other weapons in truly desperate situations if it will save the lives of all his allies.

Heinrich chose the name Desertores793 as a sign of his crimes.  He chose it so that he would always have to remember what he had done, but also to offer up a bit of hope that even if he's turned his back, he can return.  After learning magic, Heinrich amicably parted ways with his teacher and became a mercenary again.  His work took him all over the world, where he worked with all kinds of groups, ranging from governments to Necessarius to magic cabals.  Heinrich hid his new self-hating personality- when acting as Epitaph/Gentes, he was completely focused on work, and as Steven, he acted with his old pre-trauma personality.  Wanting to be able to move on from the incident, he considers his goals to be either an honorable battlefield death, or finding something or someone he can care about and protect in order to bring light back into his life.  Eventually, following his first screw-up, he took another contract with Necessarius.

RANK: combat specialist, spy
Heinrich chose this name based off of how he views himself.  He had been a peaceful person who didn't care for violence, and wished to become a diplomat so that he could spread his ideal of peace throughout the world.  However, he ended up turning his back on his principle of peace, becoming an apostate.  He wasn't able to protect his family, so now he needs to find something else he can protect in order to move on.

(ABILITY NAME): Heinrich's main ability is a special set of spells based on the Slavic god Veles, a god of transformation, magic, trickery, and wealth: Store and Retrieve.  

Veles stole from the god Perun.  In most stories, Veles stole either Perun's son, wife, or cattle.  The stolen property completely disappeared and only Veles had access to it, however it was returned when Perun slew him.  The method by which Store works is that if Heinrich can touch an object with any body part while holding a snake skin, he can say a short prayer to Veles, which then makes that object disappear to a personal "storage space."  A small snake appears and swallows the object, as Veles transformed into a snake when he challenged Perun.  This works with living and in-animate objects.  Any living creatures that are stored do not age or degrade in any way.  However, if a living creature wills it that they can't be stored, Heinrich can't store them.  This essentially limits him to storing allies, and he will only do so if they are mortally wounded so that he can get them to a doctor.  The largest object Heinrich can store with this ability is a pickup truck.  Heinrich has even thought of experiment storing himself as an escape method, but views it as too risky.  A typical example of objects he might have in storage are a car for transportation, a backup knife, his body armor, a backup gun, and his ammunition.  

Retrieve is based off of when Veles was slaughtered by Perun.  When Veles died, Perun's stolen property rained from his body.  On its own, Retrieve is useless; with Store, the spell truly shines.  Retrieve brings the objects that were put into storage by Store back into the world.  For Retrieve, objects can only be sent to a location where the Slavic rune for Veles is carved or written down.  Mirroring how Veles needed to die, Heinrich needs to draw blood from himself.  To accomplish this, he uses a ring engraved with the rune for Veles that contains a small needle which can prick his finger if he presses in on the rune.  Heinrich can choose any of these rune locations for any of the objects.  The objects appear instantly.  He has carved runes on certain regions of his body; his body armor, gloves, and boots are always kept in storage around his body, where he can quickly retrieve and instantly equip them.  He then uses the runes carved into his hands to retrieve and put on his ballistic mask as well as retrieve any stored weapon he might want to use.  He has also carved runes into strategic locations, such as locations where he's set a base or an ambush.  Furthermore, he carries pieces of paper with the rune written on in case he needs to quickly set up a retrieval location.  Heinrich can use Retrieve to attack enemies by luring them onto a rune, then dropping an object on them.

Heinrich next has a stealth spell where he can transform into other people, Transformation.  This is based off of Veles' challenge to Perun and later attempts to flee from his battle with Perun.  Veles transformed into a giant serpent and began to climb the heavens in order to challenge Perun.  When Veles tried to flee, he would transform into various people, animals, and even trees.  Also, Veles would reincarnate from his death every year by turning into a snake and shedding his skin.  Heinrich uses a piece of snakeskin to conduct the ritual.  Heinrich must wrap his face in the snake skin and pray to Veles, then allow the snakeskin as well as his actual skin to shed.  It takes around 15 minutes to successfully take effect.  During the process, Heinrich's features and body are constantly being re-arranged, so he stays hidden during this time.  This process can range from painless to excruciatingly painful.  He can return to himself instantly by shedding the new body.  He can pretend to be someone he's seen before, or completely create a new person to be.  If impersonating someone, he doesn't acquire their knowledge, meaning he needs to do research on their relationships and such to successfully pretend to be them.  Heinrich can only stay in the new identity for 5 days before he forcibly sheds.  This ability makes him an excellent spy.  

Every year, Veles would challenge Perun and then be massacred by the Thunder God.  And every year, he would turn into a snake and shed his skin, returning to life.  Heinrich mirrors this with his Rejuvenation ability.  By covering himself in the snakeskin while near death, Heinrich can scratch at himself and shed his body to be resurrected or healed.  He is extremely weakened for a period after using this ability.  However, Heinrich has vowed to never use this spell until he finds the thing that he must protect.

Heinrich has a combat spell called Perun's Fury.  This spell is based off of Perun's attacks against Veles during their annual battles.  Heinrich holds an arrow, one of Perun's symbols, that is carved with a lightning bolt.  Heinrich can designate a carved Veles rune as Veles himself, making it the target of this spell.  Heinrich points the arrow at the designated Veles, and lighting strikes it.  This works well with ambushes/traps, and Heinrich can throw scattered pieces of paper with Veles runes mid-combat to make use of it.  Heinrich can designate his ring as Veles, striking himself with lightning.  This creates his spell Incarnation of Perun.  This spell is meant to simulate Perun in Heinrich’s body, as he holds an electrified arrow (Slavic paganism believed that lightning was Perun using an arrow) while he himself exudes electricity which has been absorbed into his body.  When using Incarnation of Perun, Heinrich is struck with lightning in exchange for heightened abilities.  The lightning causes excruiating pain which lasts throughout the spell, but in return Heinrich moves faster, hits harder, and acts as a conductor- allowing him to electrify weapons or shock objects he touches.  If Heinrich were to quantify the spell in terms of numbers, his speed would be improved by 2.25x and his strength by 2x  Incarnation of Perun lasts for 2 minutes.  Incarnation of Perun can also trigger if Heinrich is struck with a high enough voltage, but this is rare enough that it is normally activated via Perun's Fury.

OTHER ABILITIES: Any other talents or non supernatural abilities or equipment used by your character.
Mithridatic Legacy
Every day for years, Heinrich has consumed ever-increasing non-fatal doses of various poisons as well as doses of antidotes, building up an immunity.  Poisons no longer effect him.
Combat Skills
Due to his military training, Heinrich has extremely well-tuned combat skills.
Heinrich is particularly skilled at setting traps and ambushes for enemies, especially with his Veles runes for his enemies.
Heinrich is a good driver, and is also talented at riding animals.
Knife Tackle
A favored move, Heinrich developed it during his traumatic incident.  He lies in ambush for his opponent, then tackles them to the ground where he plunges a knife through their throat.
Well Connected
As Heinrich doesn't really care about religion, and doesn't follow a Christian church, he's the perfect mercenary as he has no loyalties to any faction in particular.   He's even worked for governments and other non-magic related groups before.
Heinrich speaks Hebrew, English, German, Czech, French, Dutch, Russian, and Japanese.  

Epitaph- King Crimson
Achilles' Last Stand- Led Zeppelin
Easy Money- King Crimson
Immigrant Song- Led Zeppelin
Sympathy for the Devil- Rolling Stones
Sister Morphine- Rolling Stones
Moonlight Mile- Rolling Stones

PLAYER'S NAME: Heinrich Steinmann
FACE CLAIM: Thorfinn (Vinland Saga)

Last edited by Heinrich Steinmann on Sun Nov 25, 2018 5:54 pm; edited 38 times in total
Heinrich Steinmann
Heinrich Steinmann

Posts : 29
Join date : 2018-11-02
Age : 19

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[Magician] Heinrich Steinmann Empty Test Post

Post  Heinrich Steinmann Sat Nov 10, 2018 5:23 pm

Heinrich staggered through the back alleys, clutching his wounded chest.  How could things have gone so wrong?  No one had ever caught him by surprise like that before.  The only explanation was that he he had been sold out by one of his soldiers.  He would never let it happen to him again.  Heinrich pressed his back against the wall, and slipped down, holding his head to his hands.  How could he have enjoyed doing that to those men, he wondered?  The joy he felt as he slaughtered them one by one, slashing and shooting.  Those men probably had families who would wait forever for their fathers and brothers to come home.  Heinrich snapped himself out of it, telling himself that they had attacked him, and that no one had ever forced them to become revolutionaries.  It was their own fault they decided to oppose the government; he was just a man hired to settle things.  Plus, they had killed his newest group.  Heinrich had been somewhat fond of this batch of recruits, and was willing to take more jobs with them.  Pulling bandages out of storage, Heinrich took inventory of what items he had left- armor, a knife, a pistol, bullets, and an old heirloom necklace that had belonged to his grandfather.  He had carelessly taken everything to this new base, and promptly lost it all in the fire that the attackers set.  He looked and saw he only had money for a plane ticket and two days in a hotel.   Patching himself up, Heinrich noticed the eyes watching him.  A small child in filthy rags was also sitting in this alley, eyeing more money than he had ever seen in his life.  Heinrich, taking pity. offered him half- now there was only enough money for a plane ticket.  Standing up, Heinrich strode off, storing his armor and using Transformation to create a new identity so he could escape.  Heinrich decided that he needed to go to London.  He had friends there. He thought to himself that maybe a contract with Necessarius wouldn't be so bad.

Last edited by Heinrich Steinmann on Thu Nov 15, 2018 3:58 am; edited 1 time in total
Heinrich Steinmann
Heinrich Steinmann

Posts : 29
Join date : 2018-11-02
Age : 19

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[Magician] Heinrich Steinmann Empty Re: [Magician] Heinrich Steinmann

Post  Leivinia Birdway Mon Nov 12, 2018 9:31 am

Welcome to the Evaluation Train. We’re headed straight for Approval City. Our upcoming stops are…

I. The Basics – Sizing

Let’s start it off with a basic standard: Your avatar is a tad too large. Please fit it to the measurements described on the profile page, then it’ll be cool.

Furthermore, I would like you to at least add the values for his body height and weight in metres and kilograms, since not all of us are good with the imperial standard.

Overall, a key focus of any character application should be building not simply something you consider cool, but something others can have a fun time interacting with. This originates from the principle that the most of RPing you’ll spend having interactions with other characters. Therefore, my suggestion to you would be investing some more time into the personality, minding what I just said.

II. The History – Becoming a Magician

The way he became a Magician isn’t entirely satisfying, to be honest. It comes down to him seemingly becoming a Magician out of the blue, after having faced off against one himself. There is no actual reason coming across from that alone.

Allow me to do a quick excurse. Whatever kind of person heads down the path of Magic, they do it out of conviction. A conviction so strong they carve it into their soul upon assuming their Magic Name. It is both their purpose in mastering Magic as well as their very purpose in life. Take Stiyl Magnus for example. Fortis 931 is a straight up symbol for his desire to protect Index. To do so he alone has to become the strongest that no threat to her could ever overcome. This is why he became a Magician. Why he dedicated his entire life towards mastering the Innocentius spell that is one of the most difficult and powerful in the world.

And now this takes us back to the present. I miss a proper tie of the Magic Name in the history, explaining where it originated from and why exactly he desired to go down the path of Magic. Please provide these. Magic changes your life entirely, after all.

Moving beyond his role as a Magician, however, I do see some possible chance to move beyond the tragedy of his life and explore it in a more mundane way. People usually aren’t simply created by the cruelest bloodbaths or traumatic experiences. Those are a part of life, but there are other ways to express defining events. It is oftentimes the case that characters that are simply obsessed over their own brokenness only tend to allow for short-term enjoyment. Similarly, to the point I previously made I would suggest that you tried exploring the possibilities of character and history writing a bit more.

III. The Abilities – The standard procedure

I think the previous part made it clear just how important elaborate explanations can be in the case of a character application.

Usually a spell consists of three aspects: The theory behind it, as in the lore or theory behind it along with an insight what exactly ties into the effect or where the effect even comes from. The methods used in the spell’s execution, like the ritual and symbolism used to invoke the effect or mirror the lore behind the spell. Lastly there is also the effects, which in this case are already there, but could be expanded on by some sort of limitation. These points are meant to allow any kind of reader to immediately understand the spells you use, without requiring them to do the necessary research or be experts.

What I want you to do now is provide the lacking information for all spells. Using the Freischütz spell as an example, you should add an actual explanation of the lore behind the Freischütz and his seven bullets, explain how exactly he mirrors the mythology in the actions he takes, the items he uses or any other kind of ritual he executes and lastly define a limitation for the spell, balancing it in the process – instead of having it hold the sure kill nature it currently has. After all, for a good play to work out there should always be the possibility to escape any of your attacks.

And like I said, please ensure that these standards are met in the descriptions all of your spells.

Lastly, for general reference I would recommend going through some of the other Magician profiles on the page, like the recently approved Dewain Luxovious, just fun Saravati Nair and my own (SNPC) Richmond Longroad. These should give you some inspiration on how to write your character in a more RP-oriented setting.
Leivinia Birdway
Leivinia Birdway

Posts : 267
Join date : 2014-12-28


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[Magician] Heinrich Steinmann Empty Edits

Post  Heinrich Steinmann Tue Nov 13, 2018 12:23 am

Edits made
Heinrich Steinmann
Heinrich Steinmann

Posts : 29
Join date : 2018-11-02
Age : 19

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[Magician] Heinrich Steinmann Empty Re: [Magician] Heinrich Steinmann

Post  Leivinia Birdway Wed Nov 14, 2018 6:58 pm

Now then, time for the second stage of the evaluation ride. This one will be more dedicated to the actual matter of the profile, as I have come to find some things to even out. Please stay with me on this one, as it will be rather explanation heavy.

II. The History – Politics’n’Stuff

This version is way better! However, we’re now at the second and final stage for the history part. It’s time to go a bit deeper.

I didn’t bring this up previously, as I was trying to avoid overwhelming you, but now it’s urgently time to mention it – especially as you made it even more explicit after the edits: Necessarius are Witch Hunters, aiming to bring the pest that is Magic under control. As such they hunt Magicians with the goal of eliminating them and the threat they pose altogether. Following this, it wouldn’t really make sense for them or any of their members to teach another Magic and through that act creating a new Magician openly. The organisation clearly wouldn’t enjoy that thought, no matter how good a soldier they gained, since it’d defy their purpose entirely. Fixing this, though, is rather simple: Just claim that he was saved by any other kind of Magician that isn’t with the group and subsequently alter the reason for his involvement with them.

Next, I’d like to point out that once one becomes part of Necessarius they basically are bound to be their tool eternally. You can’t exactly leave the organisation, as Laura Stuart ensures the loyalty of all members by underhanded means. Whoever joins doesn’t stay out of their free will, but is chained down by an emotional chain formed through some sinister black mail. The archbishop (unlike what the anime might make her seem like) is basically a tyrannic mastermind exploiting each member’s weaknesses to the very core forcing them into loyalty. Those that leave or betray her will be disposed of cruelly. In the end, she quite easily manages to manipulate the entire world.

Not to forget that the To Aru Verse is a pretty political one. There are countless of factions, who are out for each other’s throats on all occasions. An ex-Necessarius member becoming a mercenary would pose a lot of problems for each and everyone involved. Some enemy faction would be greedy for the information he might hold, while Necessarius would see for ways to protect exactly these. My simple proposal to all this would be going back to the idea of making him a straight-forward mercenary who is hired by Necessarius occasionally, depending on their needs. Another option would be making him a straight-forward member of the group, since that is basically equal to serving as a mercenary…only limited to a single employer. The killing stays the same, though.

The whole Academy City deal, however, isn’t really something that would happen. The divide between Magic and Science that is oftentimes mentioned in the series is rather real, after all. There exists a Treaty between the two sides that basically serves as a borderline between their workings. Breaking that treaty and defecting to the other side is not something that will be treated with kindness by the other. Therefore, I’d advise against that, taking into mind how limiting that stuff could become to IC-enjoyment. Further, the idea of him basically relying on actual military equipment, thus the weapons of science, all the while being a Magician is already critical enough, not only in terms of in-verse politics but also forum balancing. As he is right now he would gain the best of both worlds with his military training and weaponry (basically options for any Science Side Other character) and the capability of using Magic.

III. The Ability – Going Deep

For this one, let’s work through the spells one by one.

In the case of Store, I believe that the initiation ritual does deserve a bit more emphasis. Simply touching an object and speaking a short prayer is a good starting point, but as I previously mentioned each spell’s initiation requires some more symbolism (following both the principles of To Aru and real-life Magic). Furthermore, I would like to have a limit on what he can store. What’s the largest thing he could hold? Is there an overall maximum capacity? A time limit even? And, lastly, because there is the threat of him simply storing away humans and thus enemies: How exactly is that going to be handled?

Unlike with Store, the symbolism for Retrieve is pretty much perfect. So maybe draw an inspiration from that work? However, I don’t seem to understand entirely how the spell works. Does he retrieve the objects he took away via Store, or does this one allow him to send objects to other locations? Please explain it to me. Because, if it does, why not simply link Store and Retrieve in the first place? They originate from the same tale anyway.

Next is Transformation. This one is rather reminiscent of the Aztec’s spell, as used by the fake Unabara Mitsuki/Etzali in the anime and novels, only requiring less complication. Therefore, my first call would be to ask you to remove the aspect of acquiring the effect of learning the language in the process, as well as granting a time limit to the entire spell’s duration, to make up for the inequality caused by the general ease. Beyond that, I would suggest that you replaced the sacred snake skin aspect. Any kind of snake skin would do the job as well and be easier to handle in general. That’s how Idol Theory works, after all. Along with that you could possibly shorten the transformation process significantly, to make it more easier to play out, and provide a different cancellation condition. A plausible one would be removing the snake skin from his face, thus shedding it.

Following up on this with the Rejuvenation spell I would suggest replacing the sacred snake skin by any ordinary one…or – which in my opinion would be a better fit – peeling off a portion of his own skin around the wound he wants to heal, for the execution of the ritual, given that the entire spell is inspired by a snake shedding its skin for the purpose of revitalising itself.

Lastly, for the Freischütz I can only say that personally I would scrap it. Six sure kill bullets are enough to drift into the domain of the unfair. All attacks in an RP setting need to be described with reasonable ways of avoiding them, allowing the opponent the fairness of escaping instead of taking a definite (possibly lethal) hit. Unless you find a way to make it fair and balanced it wouldn’t really work out IC, even if underlined by the connotation that it only finds usage in rare situations.
Besides, I don’t think it suits the rest of the set up you prepared, given that all other spells have their foundation in the Slavic Mythology and the God Veles. Maybe look there for something actually fitting and fairer to handle?

My very final note on this profile for this iteration is that I feel like he’s too much of everything and too little of something. You managed to expand on his personality and history, but someone who is basically linked to any and all factions in the universe while having no specialisation but all the cool skills, is lacking the fundamental balance an approvable character needs. There is no such thing as a perfect human and it wouldn’t be satisfying to be one. Even in reality there is only so much as being a jack of all trades but a master of none or a master at a single thing going beyond perfection.
Leivinia Birdway
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Post  Heinrich Steinmann Thu Nov 15, 2018 4:01 am

Edits made. 2 notes:
1. Store and retrieve are 2 abilities that are linked- their pointless without each other. I just put them in two different paragraphs to break up the text.
2. He uses military equipment because he was doing that for a lot longer than the time he's used magic. He also has no combat magic, especially after removing Freischutz (intentional as a way to balance), meaning he'd be screwed without a way to fight.
Heinrich Steinmann
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Post  Leivinia Birdway Thu Nov 15, 2018 10:17 pm

Let’s skip the standard profile evaluation template for this round. It doesn’t make sense in the context of what I am about to say anyway.

It’s good to see you made the edits, but please don’t believe that this character evaluation is simply here to work on my own whims. Its purpose is neither butchering or correcting a character, it is adjusting them to both increase the enjoyment of the player as well as to adjust their character to fit perfectly well into the universe and the RP itself. That’s why conditions like balancing are important. And why the guides we provided were written in the first place. Guidelines and guidance are the best entry point to this. And along with that I believe that simply talking out the entire deal is always the best approach. Communication is the key to a good working RP after all.

Further, as mentioned on the chatbox, I think it’s good that you actually gave me a written reply here, explaining the issue at hand. I agree that a lack of combat ability would be fatal, as well as that his background in the military actually forces the whole using weapons deal. Building on this I took my time to ponder out a good solution to the problem of balancing and the context of the character.

Hear my proposal:

A good way to nerf the whole military aspect would be a self-imposed rule of not relying on any modern weaponry, like guns, grenades and mines. This one could originate from the idea that a Magician has to dedicate themselves entirely to Magic to be truly able to master the art. As such his teacher could have put great emphasis on him abandoning his old ways as a means to open himself up for the new teachings. As a result, he would only be allowed to rely on his training and traditional weapons like for example knives, which were his biggest forte anyway according to the history. All that is beyond those creations needs to be strongly avoided for the sake of keeping him clean. Does that sound like a satisfying mantra to live by?

Now then, to compensate for this I will provide help with the combat spells~
I mean, it’s true that combat abilities are something that is required, especially given the fact that he is a mercenary. I do fully understand that, it just didn’t occur to me to tackle that aspect yet.

So, the idea I am suggesting is that you play the Store and Retrieve spells a bit more creatively. Given that he is able to store something of the mass of a larger car, he could simply have it drop on his enemy depending on the situation. As far as I recall the legend even spoke of all stolen treasure raining down after Veles’ death, so you could theoretically make use of that. And something as heavy as a pick-up-truck dropping down on you all of a sudden is pretty bad, isn’t it?

Secondarily, I also found some lore you could potentially exploit for the purpose of an offensive spell. During his battle with Perun, lightning was sent crashing down on any place where Veles hid under the earth. By twisting the idea, you could emulate this event to send a lightning strike at your targets by designating them as the hiding Veles. One possibly method of doing this would be throwing dirt at them. It’s something others can both evade and get really hurt by, wouldn’t you agree? Of course, the idea I proposed is not mandatory. You don’t need to adopt it or leave it the way I presented it.

Also also, sorry for the Store and Retrieve thing. In my original read-throughs I interpreted it more like Store simply putting things into another dimension, while Retrieve fetches things from spot A to spot B. I got that misunderstanding cleared up now. Apologies.

In fact, I must say the spells you developed are pretty fun to read and imagine. I like them a lot (even though I still feel like there should be something more to the Store initiation ritual) ~
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Post  Heinrich Steinmann Fri Nov 16, 2018 2:21 am

I made some edits that I think will work. He no longer uses modern weapons unless he absolutely has to (maybe something like if it will save all of his allies as that fits his personality), so that part of his character can remain. I added that Retrieve can make pancakes (maybe could even make objects burst out of people if I fuck around with wording?), gave him a lightning bolt attack for Perun, and just another little fun one based on the lightning that makes his physical abilities stronger.
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Post  Leivinia Birdway Fri Nov 16, 2018 5:55 pm

This is way better already~!

Still, I have two final pointers I feel rather hung up over.

The primary revolves around the general idea that is Incarnation of Perun. Designating himself as Veles to be struck by lightning does make sense to me. Undeniable sense even. However, I don’t see where the Power Up aspect comes from afterwards. Therefore, I’d like you to explain that to me in greater detail.

Outside of that, I’m still not 100% fond of what you went with on the modern weaponry aspect. “He will use guns and other weapons in situations where he views his magic as useless or where he must win at all costs” does not entirely sound like he would only use them in the absolute worst-case scenario. Further, to expand on what I was trying to express in my previous post: Becoming a Magician is linked to some degree of personal dedication, which stands in strong connection to one’s own will of sinking into the occult. Magic is conviction, entirely so even. The moment he would determine Magic to no longer be of use would be his own downfall as a proper Magician, dividing him from the proper ones. That is something that should really be minded in this case, given that I’d rather now see him rely on this kind of armaments IC. He already has pretty amazing close combat skills, poison immunity and a decent set of spells. I’d say that makes a pretty tough contender.
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Post  Heinrich Steinmann Sat Nov 17, 2018 4:28 am

Edits made.

I didn’t really have a basis for Incarnation of Perun, but I thought it up while writing Perun’s Fury and thought it would be a really cool idea which would synergize with his other strengths.  The way I’ve re-written it might make it work more?  I also made the modern weapon thing more clear.  

P.S. I’m on mobile as I’m at Model UN, so I can’t make too large edits right now.  I have however finished my research paper, so I’ve got more time.
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Post  Heinrich Steinmann Wed Nov 21, 2018 2:06 pm

I don’t know if you got the pm, but I made the edits
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Post  Leivinia Birdway Thu Nov 22, 2018 9:27 pm

Oh, yes. That was the PM chatango ate. Apologies. Also, apologies for the slight delay in reaction afterwards. I have overworked myself a bit recently. But I guess that’s nothing I can’t overcome by pushing through~!

[Magician] Heinrich Steinmann 68oi3ekl

Something you actually did in the case of this profile. Congratulations.

Just for future reference: Getting hit by lightning hurts big time – especially if you let it happen out of your own free will. So, by nature that Incarnation of Perun spell will leave him pretty fucked once the effects wear off~
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